12/19/01
Softball: Nuts (The Moral of Self-preservation)
Dear People,
Congratz to all on last week’s incalculably splendid 15-14 won-on-the-last-hit paragon of cathartic aerobic renewal. In all candor, I had feared that the passing of so many gameless weeks would have left the core community in an inertial stupor of feckless jejuniositude. In fact, though, I now believe that there was so much raw vitality that had I been able to bottle and ship it to Düsseldorf, a determined crew of kinesiological biochemists could have eventually converted it into a Germanic variant of pure liquid nitrogen.
In any case, our return to the sporting life was a communal victory in every way, shape and form, with the possible exception of a disconcerting incident which occurred with two out in the top of the 9th. Allow me to explain:
As my own team pulled to within one run of a tie, we had a batter of clarion resolve at the plate, a runner on second, and the hopeful passion of an insatiable rhino in estrus. But then Ira hit a languid fly to shallow center field, and because Mikey was right there with his sturdy leather gloving, we prepared to accept the imminent crushing of all for which we had toiled. Yes, it was Mikey in the field that day, and some things are just meant to be.
Suddenly though, the Mikester pulled up from his causal jaunt toward the ball, apparently frightened by a sign-covered wooden sawhorse that rested in the middle of a sordid patch of grassless mudding. For eight full innings, all had accepted its distracting though necessary presence as a way of minimizing the risks of cholera, but now, as the ball gently descended on to this tiny bog of well-marked muck, something deep in Jen’s man apparently cracked. Yes, the last out of the game was his to make, but rather than do his duty, he stopped cold several feet from the ball, screamed out vague conceptually loaded allegations of "interference," allowed the tying run to score, and ultimately, shamed himself, his woman and Frank’s entire team.
In fairness, Mikey would go on to hit the game-winning run in the bottom of that very inning, but for me, his was a pyrrhic victory, and as game-organizer, and in light of his inexplicable cowardice, I needed to know what was truly going on deep within his bosom. Indeed, as we talked quietly afterward, he told me that he fully understood the contempt with which every player on that field viewed his actions, yet he insisted on pointing out that the sawhorse was hard, splintery and exactly three feet high, and that if he had continued to run directly toward the ball, there was a good chance that his tender little testes would’ve ended up as sandpaper on that horsie’s painfully coarse surface.
At first I said nothing, but soon enough my eyes welled up with salty tears of pure Hebraic guilt. For it suddenly occurred to me that back at that very intense and fleeting moment, it was not just the fate of a ball game that stood in the balance. No, my friends, I will no longer cast aspersions on this kind and gentle and balding soul, for if Mikey has taught me anything over these last few days, it is that there can be no ethical transgression in choosing between the love for one’s own team and the long-term viability of the family oysters.
Regardless, and as most of you probably know, next week marks the 2001st anniversary of the birth of Jesus H. Christ (give or take a few years), and therefore, there will be a game at Codornices next Sunday at 11AM, if I get enough commits by this Friday morning…...Raymond
12/21/01
Softball: 100,000 Cordless Hair Dryers
Dear People,
There may be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, but the hard reality of the world is that we need some seriously robust sunnage to dry out the field.
A few slots still left/$1 if it happens/Baked potato and garnish included/CHECK EMAIL Sunday Morning….Raymond 845-7552
12/22/01
Softball: Another Argument for Bowling…
Saturday 1 PM
Given that Codornices’ hallowed left field is currently hosting a variety of delicious Suck-eye Salmon and fresh Pacific Sturgeon, tomorrow’s game must be cancelled….Raymond
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