12/15/04

Softball: A Little Residual Grumbling

Dear People,

My team decimated Frank’s, 35-13, in a ghastly display of aerobic blitzkrieg that has clearly raised as many questions as it has answered, such as:

1) Is Frank’s cheery captainship simply not compatible with the competitive tenor of our Judeo-Christian roots?

2) How can Darryl’s performance be so heroic and dominant one week, and so utterly hircine the next?, and

3) In making up the teams, isn’t it sort of unfair that I put all the malarial, frail, and crippled players on Frank’s side?

I’ll pass on the first two (I simply don’t understand Gods or goats), but for the record, I reject the premise of question #3, nor for that matter, do I buy the implied claim that if teams were truly balanced, there would somehow never be blow-outs. Aside from the many logistical hurdles in achieving this rarefied scale of athletic justice, I guess it’s now apparent that such a contention does not mix well with my militant agnosticism (which I liberally apply to mutually exclusive theologies, the stock market, and recreational sports, among other areas of consistently mistaken certitude).

In any case, since I actually dislike proverbial train-wrecks, I have put some serious thought into strategies that we could use in order to slay the intermittent specter of Lopsideiosis. The most obvious solution is to make a mid-inning trade, but while that is a relatively simple procedure, I have never been comfortable treating people as exchangeable heads of cattle, if for no other reason that both ego and esprit de corps are the delicate foundations of a fragile athlete’s otherwise meaningless life.

Thus, I propose the following new rule, at least as an initial suggestion subject to further input and hate mail: Whenever one team is 10 or more runs ahead, they would automatically have two outs for every play that they maintain that lead. I like this idea because it’s simple, it would almost certainly crush the insidious dangers of runaway momentum, and unlike the somewhat harsh incentive of jailing the losing captain, there would be few if any Constitutional objections.

OK, you are now free to send me scathing denunciations of the proposal in question, and therefore there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning…Raymond



12/16/04


Softball: Your Civil Libertarian Sport

Dear People,

There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, and as of now, it’s already full. As always, you are welcome to contact me later to see if any slots have opened up, and obviously, those who need to cancel should let me know ASAP.

For the record, a plurality of people agree that switching players mid-game rekindles too many wounds from their vulnerable athletic inner-child, but there is support for some kind of formula in which run-away teams are slowed and struggling ones are assisted (perhaps with the granting of an additional out or the right to employ tear gas).

In any case, please bring $2 for the field, which for this week only includes a complimentary kilo of medicinal marijuana, just to piss off the Feds…Raymond

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