Softball: A Brazen Decree for Player Safety
Dear People,
Anthony’s team flayed my own in a devastating display of truly annoying firepower, 26-21. It was perhaps most brutal in the bottom of the 6th, when Alan Miller began to wilt on the mound with a really nasty sinus attack, thereby paving the way for 13 runs, 10 hits, four scorching homers to the rhino-laden tundra beyond deep center-left and a totally unexpected bank run, all in less than 20 bloody minutes. My side gallantly fought back, but in the end we were as shaken as those noble tundrian beasts, many of whom have now been directly pelted victims of our dubious adherence to the totally unregulated usage of bats, mitts and groining cups.
The point is that grumbling about the increasing number of bullet-like hits has been building for years, and in fact, it’s getting harder to find pitchers who are willing to face those so-called super bats, most of which are actually illegal in official softball leagues. To be honest, I’ve been hesitant to craft a simple all-encompassing rule on such a complex and sensual topic, perhaps because I still have no idea what the terms “alloy,” “double-walled” or “plutonium-coated skull-musher” even mean. However, after a serious review of the scholarly literature as well as an intensive post-match powwow with my cherished committee on the Metallurgical Ethics of Death by Line Drive, I have decided to issue another fiat of arguably breath-taking presumption. To wit:
From now on, composite bats are banned in all of our games.
Now admittedly, I have no clue as to what a composite bat is, either, but I have been assured by Chris Fure, Mike Davey and Ellen that they are easily identified, and thus the rule as stated is both clean and constitutional. So sure, call me a fascist aerobic pussy if you must, but I for one will never abandon the cute and vulnerable, be they the innocent mammals and fauna beyond our outfields or our growing ranks of tremulous pitchers, simply yearning to avoid yet one more frightful ouchy-pooh. And therefore there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning…Ray
PS: For those who plan on griping to me about the new rule, please take your grievances to Chris Fure, Mike Davey and Ellen.
10/17/08
Softball: Policy
Dear People,
There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, and as of now there are still five slots left. And for those determined to excel like never before, Matt is hosting batting practice starting around 9:00.
Please bring $3 for the field, which for this week only includes an alluring post-game selection of tax cuts, universal health care and renewable Iraqi school vouchers with fresh seasonal greens…Ray 845-7552