9/23/02

Softball: Your Good-Time Cervical Secretions Sport (NBC: 9:05 AM)

Dear People,

Congratz to all on the somewhat pitiful bedlam of yesterday’s 44-28 exercise in gratuitous aerobic ineptitude. The fact is that Frank’s team went into the 7th inning with a 16-14 lead, the broad Newtonian push of accelerating momentum, and an irrefutable edge on paper. And yet two innings and a full hour later, they had imploded with such ghastly ferocity that I actually considered calling the game early as an act of sheer recreational mercy. With all due respect, all 10 players should be completely ashamed of themselves, but given their understandable craving for privacy, I’m certainly not going to sit here and name names (outside of Frank, who bears ultimately responsibility, and perhaps Alex, Michael L and Susan, whose particular contributions to the decimation in question left me wondering if they had suddenly succumbed to Fielder’s Meningitis).

In any case, I am writing this message a little earlier than usual because I would like to announce that my sister will be on NBC’s THE TODAY SHOW TOMORROW (TUESDAY) AT APPROXIMATELY 9:05 AM, and according to my research, she will be the first person in the history of Network Television to use egg whites, hand lotion and rubber cement while demonstrating the utterly fascinating world of women’s tiny little cervicies. So if you have a cervix, or even just know a person who has one, I suggest you skip work and watch, because this is obviously more important (For further relevant info, check out "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" at any online book seller, or better yet, redefine your relationship with reproductive technology at Ovusoft.com).

Now look, I know you’re already thinking that this kind of crass family promotion is beyond the pale, and that just because I stand to personally make a fortune from the book and software in question, this really has nothing to do with softball, and ultimately, that’s what these letters should really be all about. I understand that sentiment, and until recently I would have certainly agreed, but it just so happens that a couple games back I was quietly talking with Jen about the fact that her batting average seemed to sporadically rise and fall over the weeks, and I was wondering if she noticed any pattern to it. At first she seemed embarrassed and reluctant to talk, but she then discretely told me that "Whenever I’m pre-ovulatory, I can’t ever hit out of the infield, and yet as soon I’m through with the thermal shift and mittelschmerz, I’m like Barry Bonds for the rest of my cycle."

I gently reminded Jen that she in fact NEVER hits out of the infield, and to that extent, her theory is clearly delusional. And yet I also believe that she is on to something profound about the subtle nexus between her hitting and her own wondrous hormonal symphony, and if she is indeed a luteal phase slugger in relative terms, the implications for her sport, her womanhood and even her entire gender are nothing short of staggering. Naturally, I shall investigate. And therefore, there will be a game at Codornices next Sunday at11AM, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning….Raymond


9/27/02

Softball: Gourmet

Dear People,

There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, and as of now there are still five slots left.

Please bring $2 for the field, which for this week only includes a delightful pan-seared escargot in garlic butter, lovingly prepared with locally harvested Tilden Park snailage…Raymond 845-7552

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