Softball: A Stirring Discovery in an Area of Core Interest
Dear People,
Congratz to all on last week’s slightly-less-than-compelling 15-9 exploration into the very nature of deneutered aerobic mojo. True, my side once again failed to garnish the double digit scorage that’s necessary for even the most minimal standards of basic athletic dignity. And yes, given my dubious win-loss record over these last few weeks (or years---whatever), it would now seem that any future team under my captainship would be an affront to the very notion of basic competitive balance. Perhaps. Still, I would like to gently suggest that there’s a certain random chaos in humanity’s vast foray into the recreational experience, and in fairness, I really shouldn’t be blamed whenever strapping young lads like Broh, Ken, and Jay suddenly decide to bat with a mere fraction of the raw testosteronic hitter’s vim that normally courses through their manly little veins. At a minimum, I think we can all agree that arbitrary outbreaks of vimlessness are simply beyond one’s control.
In any case, I would like to subtly change subjects in order to address an issue that’s been weirdly festering in the arcane byways of my somewhat over-fried mind. Obviously, I’m not going to use this space in order to hector you with academic observations of dubious relevance or little pragmatic value. That’s not what I’m "about," and I certainly have no intention of starting now. Still, I think it’s important to reveal that over these last few months, I have gradually developed a magnificent theory in the cantankerous milieu of post-Chomskyian generative grammar that literally makes me teary eyed, and while I could go to the The American Linguistic Review or even the Wyoming State Journal of Tongue and Brain, I’ve decided to share it with all of you directly. This is because I’m talking about language here, and ultimately, language is about people, and presumably most of you are people, and that’s really what it’s all about. I don’t mean to be maudlin, but I think you see my point.
Anyway, to make a fascinating linguistic story short, I have discovered through my writings at ESLnotes.com that the vital English phrasal verb "come on" is not only the most commonly used idiom in the entire English language, but it is also the most semantically versatile one in all existence! Now listen, this isn’t a threat, and I’m not throwing it out just to frighten you (Of course, if you need to stop reading, fine, stop reading).
Still, the eerie reality is that even though there is no scholarly literature on this topic, I have concluded that "come on" is in fact SO versatile that it actually takes on the meaning of the immediate words that surround it! Talk about a semantic keeper! And thus, depending on the context, its expressive load can be anything from ‘please’ to ‘shut up’ to ‘be serious’ to ‘stop’! AND, in its dominant non-transitive form, its very versatility renders it the only phrasal verb that’s used exclusively in the imperative tense!!!*
I know I’ve given you a lot to absorb, and I also realize that sadly, some of you may not actually "care." I accept that. Nevertheless, I would suggest that the next time you’re standing there at the batter’s box and it’s the bottom of the 9th with two outs on a full count and your team is down by one and your throat is parched and the tension is unbearable and the pitcher is staring you down as if you were some kind of contemptible stick-wielding rodent-thing, well, it will be at that very moment that you’ll undoubtedly think to yourself "Come on, big boy, give it to me good. Come on….", and you’ll suddenly realize that you are cognitively immersed in the most wondrous idiomatic entity in all our lingua, and yes, you’ll then find inspiration so sublime and vim so raw that you’ll smash that ball to the Yak-laden grazing pits beyond the left field bush, and then, dear friend, you will know, that grammar, yes, grammar, is relevant. And therefore, there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning….Raymond
*For those of you who actually give a shit: I want to emphasize that the transitive distinction is crucial, and thus I am well aware that one can say "She was really coming on to him yesterday" [Past progressive] or "Letterman comes on at 12" [Simple Present---with the transitive form admittedly only tacit….i.e.…"comes on TV"]. Of course it’s even more subtle than you’d first suspect, since one could argue that this latter example is not even a genuine phrasal verb, any more than "sit on" is in the sentence "Thankfully for her team, it’s now Jen’s inning to sit on the bench."
In the end, it’s just too literal to qualify for idiomatic status, which also, incidentally, obviates the need to discuss a more lurid variant that is frequently heard in the tawdrier genres of popular cinema. If you even know what I’m referring to, you should be ashamed of yourself, and regardless, it’s nothing to discuss in public, lest you do further damage to our already corrupted youth.
9/20/02
Softball: Dough
Dear People,
There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, and of now there are still TWO slots left.
Please bring $2 for the field, which will not only keep my debt to capital ratio below 60%, but should also provide for a modest return on both tangible assets and equities….Raymond 845-7552