Softball: Risk, Physics and the Tactical Psychology of Disgrace
Dear People,
Ken’s team respectfully disposed of my own 15-12, in one of those frantic no-time-to-savor-the-moment games that one ironically gets to savor in the days and weeks that follow, perhaps while gently sipping an iced hot cocoa over mint leaves and myrrh. In any case, the same group of annoying little pre-pubescent land-grabbing extremists who played havoc with our inner aerobic tranquility this last time will unfortunately be back for the next few weeks, and therefore I have no choice but to announce a stern chronological fiat that reeks of raw autocratic abuse.
Before I do, though, I would like to briefly comment on the history-making experiments that begin today at the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland. As you probably know, I have always been a vociferous proponent of the search for the theoretical particle named the Higgs Boson. My little Higgy, as I like to call her, has never been detected, but she would obviously clarify why matter has mass, or more specifically for our purposes, why it “hurts” when a softball slams straight into your tender little knee-cap.
Now, listen, I am well aware that many of you are opposed to this project, and indeed, I concede that there is a certain risk in violently smashing together streams of perfectly innocent protons at just under the speed of light. I’m even willing to admit that there is a 2 in 5 chance that such an experiment could inadvertently create one or more black holes, each with sufficient gravitational force to suck the living crap out of everything around it, including the entire earth itself. Frankly though, I don’t think this is any of your business, and regardless, I have already made thorough recreational contingency plans were such an event to actually occur.
On the other hand, we know with virtual certainty that the Albany-Berkeley Girls Softball League (the ABGSL, or as they’re more commonly known, “Al Queda”), will be back on our beloved homeland next week at 1:00. This means that in order to assure ourselves a leisurely and delicious two hour match, we really should start by 10:45. There will therefore be a game this Sunday at 10:30AM IF I get enough players by this Friday morning, AND just to be absolutely clear, if you commit to 10:30 but arrive later than 10:45 without a truly exceptional excuse (i.e…“my car just broke down, my spleen split open,” etc.), you could face penalties of nearly unspeakable shame, including, but not limited to, oversized billboards on highway 80 featuring your tardy little mug—the words “I wrecked the game for everyone else” emblazoned just above in bright gaudy pink…Raymond
PS: A Quartet of Bozos (Take 2):
This link was apparently dead before most had a chance to see it last week, and I for one believe its worthy of a second attempt:
http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=184086&title=Sarah-Palin-Gender-Card
9/12/08:
Softball: 10:30 10:30 10:30
Dear People,
There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 10:30AM, and as of now there are still six slots left. Please note that 10:30 is just like 11:00 except that it’s actually half an hour earlier, and I mention this because if you arrive a single second later than 10:45 without a magnificent excuse, you risk the acrid taint of punishment through simply indescribable shame. Yes, I’m a monster, but if this is what it takes to guarantee you a blissful, unrushed two hours of pristine aerobic release, then so be it.
$3 for the field/Non-community commits welcome/See ya Sunday…Ray 845-7552