8/12/15

Softball: 9:45 (Resilient to the Core)

Dear People,

My team ambushed Chris Fure's with the sublime kinetic acumen of a Canadian river rhino, and in this case, one who was out to teach some contemptible local crocs the perils of their predatory chutzpah, 14-5. Yeah, the fact is that all of the Furinator's best hitters were shut down cold by Steve Bedrick's stirring mastery of his classic curve, knuckle and glandular balls, while on the flip-side, I personally punished their Ray-shifting asses with a 2-RBI 6th-inning 4-bagger to the tauntingly unguarded succulents beyond deep nude right. Again, deep nude right. Perhaps it was just a fluke, but later that night I went home and gazed at my magnificent upper bod in the mirror and nearly broke down in tears as I suddenly realized that my biceps, bosom and eyeballs had always craved all 90 degrees of the potential batting experience, and with last week's breakout, I had finally found my aerobically defiant bliss.

I mention all this because I've been subject to annoying dissage my entire life, from my childhood analyst (who always mocked me for needing a childhood analyst), to every opposition outfielder of the last five years, to the North Koreans, who are just nasty by any standard. Yet none are as consistent in their impertinence as the recreational powers-that-be at the City Department of Parks and Wreck, for they have once again threatened to kick us off our cherished Codorinces homeland so that a cackle of transient prepubescent interlopers can indulge their dubious athletic velleities.

Nevertheless, and to be clear, I don't blame the Albany-Berkeley-Girl's-Softball-League. Indeed, it's the City, not those little whippersnappers, who ceaselessly test our commitment to our pastime, our park and our very persistence as an unaffiliated email-organized people. Hater's gonna hate, of course, but Berkeley never learns that we are also a stout and adaptive folk who will always thrive on the scorn that's hurled our way. And therefore there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 9:45AM SHARP (which is just like 11:00AM except it's actually 75 minutes earlier), IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning . . . Raymond

PS: Why 9:45? Because for the next several weeks, ABGSL will be taking the field at noon, and according to my statistical analysis, we have a 95.8% chance of finishing on time if we start at 9:45, but only a 53.02% chance if we start at 10:00. And to think that some people think that differential algebraic statistics is a waste of time.

8/14/15

Softball: Early Birds! (9:37….9:37….9:37)…..

Dear People,

There will be a game at Codonices this Sunday at 9:45AM SHARP, and as of now there are still three slots left.

Please note that if you fail to internalize this and thus show up at 11:01 instead of 9:37.08 (my personal suggestion for a mirthful and salubrious arrival), you will be doing irreparable harm to the organizational integrity of the game as well as laying yourself open to scathing accusations of being the very type of chrono-dufus you vowed to never be. Is that what you want?! No, I didn't think so.

Please bring $4 for the field, which, for those who arrive on time, might include a rare post-game Liberty duck leg vindaloo with stir-fried long beans, amaranth fritters, _and Parsi festive rice . . . Ray

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