8/6/03

Softball: Drowsy (The Sudden Return of a Once Favored Genre)

Dear People,

Congratz to all on last week’s chilling 31-22 exploration of the God-like athlete in precipitous decline. I hope you realize that I don’t write those words with the slightest aerobic Schadenfreude, but at the same time, I’m not going to act as if I didn’t notice that Chris Fure’s pitching has become a tad less intimidating than it was, for example, in the long bitter Summer of 2001. Back then, he was so frightfully dominant that in the interests of competitive tenor, I actually forbade him from taking the mound. And yet by this last game, his every throw seemed to linger in the air like giant salacious mangoes just waiting to be smacked. My friends, we done a lot’a smakin’ that day.

In fairness, though, Chris stoically stayed the course for all nine innings, and while other captains might have pulled their starter after, say, the first 25 runs or so, I believe Mike Davy’s faith in his legendary hurler captured the raw integrity of his entire team. Indeed, their 11-run rally in the top of the 9th was a feat of sublime inspiration, and in all candor, I furtively cheered them on as they greeted every additional hit with the writhing joy of hope reborn. Of course, it was all completely pointless, and when one considers the gaping nine-run deficit that still remained after they shot their final athletic wad, it’s clear that their exuberance was not only premature, but quite unseemly as well.

In any case, and as most of you are aware, next Sunday marks the 83rd anniversary of the day that Edd "Tuna" Roush, the legendary Cincinnati outfielder, became the only player in the history of professional baseball to be ejected from a game for falling asleep on the field! According to the Times, the Giants and Reds were locked in a bitterly contested match at the Polo Grounds, 2-1 in the top of the 6th, when a protracted argument broke out between Reds manager Pat Moran and umpire Zak Liossi. Moran was a cautious but obstinate logician who refused to concede a dubious call made at home, and as the bickering continued for minutes on end, Roushy grew hebetudinous under the broiling East Coast sun.

Weary and parched but intending no disrespect, he put his glove on the lush grasses beneath him, and then gently lain down his weary noggin for a quick minute of much needed repose (And yes, I’m deliberately "confusing" the simple past ‘laid’ with the past participle ‘lain’, because I happen to prefer the latter when working with this verb). In any case, the quarrel ended about 15 seconds later, but apparently good ’ol fish-face was already in REM sleep by then, much to the annoyance of 25,000 barbaric New Yorkers.

Now look, I’m not going to argue at this late date that Liossi had no right to toss out the Tunatater for the technically accurate charge of "delay" of game, and indeed, given that he walked half way to the bleachers, yelled directly in Roush’s ear, and gave him a full 30 seconds to wake before taking action, I suppose that many of you would argue that the ejection was justified. Perhaps, but for all I know, Roush had lain awake the entire previous night, prophetically terrified by the inherent dangers of the Versailles treaty, or just the prospect of a Harding victory (Let’s remember that at the time, the idea of a Presidential buffoon was actually a novel one).

Even more relevant, it’s possible he suffered from narcolepsy, sleep apnea or a pathological indifference to his chosen sport (Recognized today as the much dreaded PICS syndrome). The point is that we don’t KNOW why good ’ol Roushie decided to use Center Field as his personal mattress, but neither did that bastard ump, and until we discover the true cause of his deeply misunderstood snooze, I will continue to view Edd "Tuna" Roush as a magnificent, towering and untainted symbol of caffeine-free athleticism. And therefore, there will be at a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning…Raymond



8/7/03

Softball: Civics

Dear People,

There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11:00, and as of now, there are still TWO slots left.

Please bring $2 for the field, some of which will be used to promote both your greater involvement in the democratic experience as well as the inherent dignity of the California peoples. Yes, in an exclusive post-game park debate on the grave issues of our day, the following candidates for Governor have agreed to participate:

Ahnuld Bozonegger (Atrocious muscle-laden actor)
Gray Davis (Incorrigible fund-raiser whore)
Larry Flynt (Porno guy)
Bill Simon (Religiocretin geek loser)
Gary Coleman (Pipsqueak non muscle-laden actor)
Bullwinkle (Moose)

…Raymond 845-7552

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