6/11/03

Softball: A Delicate Decision of Strategic Governance

Dear People,

Congratz to all on last week’s spleen-chilling 10-inning won-on-the-last-hit 18-17 paragon of softball as it’s meant to be—feral in its competitive rigor, yet steeped in the gentle and soothing aerobicism of the ancient Hebraic Cabala. Oh sure, some of you are already thinking that this is a totally bogus analysis, and that the game is "steeped" in nothing more than the American Softball Association’s Guide to the Recodified Slow Pitch Rules (1973). Perhaps. But the point is that while this last match was indeed magnificent, I also believe that the raw ethical dilemmas that it so starkly exposed will force us to look beyond the standard "softball-related" texts, and that if necessary, we should not hesitate to consult the Cabala and other great works of athletic and spiritual renewal, including the Book of Mormon, the Bill of Rights and 501 Norwegian Verbs.

Specifically, I write of "the Franklin problem," which has festered now for seven years, but was particularly acute this last Sunday. As all the regulars know, Franklin loves to explore the Euclidean limits of the batting experience, and thus averages about 200 foul balls for every fair one he hits. This is particularly unfortunate since most of those wasted orbs end up brutalizing the perfectly innocent redwoods that watch over our otherwise pro-arboreal endeavors.

Look, it’s not my scene to zero in on one particular player and make them feel self-conscious for whatever athletic idiosyncrasy they happen to possess, yet the fact is that we face a gnawing crisis of kinesiological tenor whenever Franklin approaches the plate. True, his patience-sucking routine is no longer unexpected, and indeed, some of the savvier outfielders will now whip out a good book in order to pass the time. Nevertheless, I’m still convinced that the majority amongst us pine for the succor of a definitive response, and thus I propose three potential solutions for you to consider:

#1) We modify the rules so that any player who hits five foul balls in a single at-bat is called out on strikes.

#2) We accept the status quo and do nothing, for when all is said and done, the rules as they stand are righteous and fair. To be sure, Franklin himself has violated no law, nor wronged no sentient being, and ultimately, his relentless tree-attacks serve as cherished aerobic siestas of rest and reflection.

#3) We deal with Franklin the way any other self-respecting unaffiliated email-organized softball league would have dealt with him ages ago (i.e.…we kill him). Technically, this would be considered "illegal," but I think we all know that life is tradeoffs, and if something along these lines could be discretely arranged, IMMEDIATE advantages would be seen in terms of both personal time-savings and improved game-pacing.

I realize that this is a difficult vote to make, and that many of you feel awkward and frightened whenever I call upon you to exercise your duties of recreational citizenship. I understand this, but I also know that as a people, you will do the right thing and look beyond what is best for you individually (tempting as that is), or even what is best for Franklin (semi-valid as that sounds). Rather, I know deep in my bosom that you will vote for what is in the best interests of the game itself—feral in its competitive rigor, yet steeped in the gentle and soothing aerobicism of the ancient Hebraic Cabala. And therefore there will be a game at Codorncies this Sunday at 11AM, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning…Raymond


6/12/03

Softball: Tender Mercies

Dear People,

There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, but as of now, all slots are taken. As always, feel free to contact me later for news of possible cancels.

A few brief notes:

1) I am relieved to report that while a solid plurality of votes favored Franklin’s discrete assassination, it failed to carry the absolute majority that is necessary for the plan to be implemented. In addition, there seems to be an even split between those who want no rule change, and those who want a maximum of three fouls (or some variation of that) after the first two strikes. We will therefore hash this out in a brief pre-game rumble.

2) Since I will need to leave by 1:15ish, please arrive at the field NO LATER THAN 10:55, which is like 11:13, but is actually 18 minutes earlier.

3) This week will mark the first ever appearance of two of my siblings in the same game---Lawrence, the spindly-legged New York intellectual, and Toni, the charming Seattleite with cognitive issues. Obviously, I am running an unprecedented risk of familial humiliation, and yet I remain guardedly optimistic.

$2 for the field/See ya Sunday…Raymond 845-7552

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