5/29/02

Softball: Cracking the Challenge of Equity

Dear People,

Congratz to all on last week’s lush and feral 18-14 aerobic exploration of heuristic good cheer. Even though my own team lost to Jeremy’s, I make no apologies for the vigor with which we played, and in fact, I can’t help thinking that had our very last batter not grounded out with two runners on, the resulting hit would have most likely loaded the bases, thus allowing Bill to connect on a game-tying grand slam! Undoubtedly, we would have then had irrepressible momentum with which to assure our ultimate triumph, and while skeptics among you may view all of this as "speculative," or "bitter theoretic sour grapes," or "nutso recreational psychosis," or "speculative sour psychotic grapenuts," the simple fact is that I was there, and at the risk of sounding presumptuous, I think I know what I’m talking about.
________________

In any case, I would like to diverge from the usual logorrhea to address an issue of serious import to the community as a whole. After the game, I decided to explore a house for sale that is located diagonally across from the Codornices park entrance, just 100 feet from our beloved right-field tundra. According to the delightfully blunt sales flyer, the $475,000 sales price is for "An Industrial Strength Fixer." More specifically, the ad proudly boasts that the "R.J. Clark Pest Control Report is over $300,000!!!," as if this were somehow a good thing. Regardless, the bottom line is that while its Bay views are breathtaking and the location is perfect, the actual house is a rotting piece of shit that will need to be demolished for the good of humanity. Unfortunately though, when one adds up land and rebuilding costs, the total price comes out to about a million, give or take a buck. And yes, that’s where you come in. Allow me to explicate:

Over the last few years, Wendy and I have been trying to figure out how we will ever be able to buy into the weirdo Bay Area real estate market, and indeed, given our present rate of capital accumulation, my latest estimates are that we won’t be able to afford an actual abode until about 2038. And even then, it’s likely to be a modest one-bedroom shed somewhere between Stockton and Fresno. No, my friends, it is clearly time to think outside the proverbial aerobic box, and that’s where you come in again. Consider if you will:

Over the years, perhaps the most consistent game-related complaint has been that there is no acceptable place where players can relieve themselves in peace and hygieniositude. Sadly, the public restrooms in the adjacent park are distant, sullied and probably haunted, and thus I think Mikey spoke for most of us when he confided in me a few weeks ago. "Sometimes I’ll sneak into the forested tundra beyond left field, but it makes me feel vulnerable and unclean" he whispered, his eyes already filling with tiny little tearing drops. He then grew even more solemn and added "And to be honest, Ray, I don’t like it when the local yak stare at me just because I’m crouching." To be sure, I’ve always felt that there has got to be a better way, and now with the sale of that magnificent dump at 1322 Euclid, I believe that the dreams of Mikey, myself and all our people can finally be realized.

Let me cut to the chase: If I could somehow buy this Euclidean termite-laden pit, I could guarantee you that upon its reconstruction, you would find a pristine and freshly tiled crapper with easy outdoor access. Well, the reality is that with the proposal I make to you now, I CAN buy it. For while it’s true that a million is still a tad beyond my means, I can certainly do my part by carrying a full $70,000 mortgage. And since there are now about 250 people on this list, it means that the cost of the $930,000 down payment is just $3,600 per person! Amazingly, this also means that over the life of my 30-year loan, each of you would average only $8 per game for the dignity of a decent inter-inning retreat in which to poop, piss and powder. Yes, just $8 per game! Talk about your symbiotic no-brainer!

Oh sure, there will be a few of you who will find some twisted reason why this plan isn’t "fair," like you only go to the loo at home, or you prefer to hang with the yak, or it seems like the benefit that Ray and Wendy will derive from actually living there is "disproportional," or perhaps just some pointless nitpicking like "Ray, the housing thing sounds cool, but I live in Hong Kong, and I just don’t think, uh, you know…." Well, just save it, because the hard reality is that either you understand the wisdom of this vision or you don’t, and thankfully, I know that most of you get it. And therefore, there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning….Raymond



5/31/02

Softball: The Clown

Dear People,

There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, and as of now, there is still ONE slot left.

Please bring $2 for the field, half of which is admittedly used to support my curious abuse of Ecstasy, Botox, Chocolate and Lipitor….Raymond 845-7552

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PS: A beloved semi-regular player amongst us has asked me to pass on the following:

Jonas Woolverton, clown and sometime softballer invites you to:
Final Performances of the 2002 Clown Conservatory in
Circus Center's "UpDown/OnOff"
Theater Artaud
450 Florida St. in S.F.
June 13 @ 7:30PM
June 14 @ 7:30PM
June 15 @ 2PM
June 15 @ 7:30PM
June 16 @ 7PM (Clown Graduation directly following Sunday's show)

Tickets -- Call Circus Center at (415) 759-8123 (please say, "Jonas sent me!" I'm in the running for circus school scholarship money if I sell the most tickets. You can put it on your credit card over the phone.)
$20 for Adults
$15 Students/Seniors
$12 Children 12 & Under

It's going to be a fantastic show. I hope to see you at the circus!
Jonas

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