5/20/15
Softball: The Problematic Nexus of Athletic Dominance and Natural Philosophy
Dear People,
It would be easy to claim that the reason my team walloped Alan Shabel's, 26-19, was simply because Donny unleashed a staggering four homeruns, including both a sublime grand slam that landed 20 feet into the lush wooded bush by the Yaklandian picnic tables and a bat-shattering 3-RBI blast to the sloped grassy knoll past deep center left. Sure, it would be easy, and in a certain sense, it would be factually 'correct'---indeed, he drove in half our RBIs!---but for the record, I don't do glib aerobic hagiography at the expense of rigorous historical analysis as it's meant to be crafted. So with truth itself as my only narrative lodestar, let's see what the fuck I'm trying to say.
First of all, I'm not denying that the Donnster was essentially God-like (and as a devout Northern Baptist, just saying that makes me feel profane and salacious). Yet this game was not 'about' Donny as much as it was about two critical early-inning plays that totally set the tone for all that came later, and as such, it's in their unsightly divergence that we can truly see the causal essence of our eventual triumph. Thus I refer you first to Alan's blistering 2-on 2-out bullet to 2nd that struck Kira's self-defending glove with such explosive Newtonian force that the poor thing went tumbling straight to the ground below, as if she were nothing more than a 7-pin picked off in a perfectly placed spare. Alan, of course, should be ashamed of himself, but the point is that despite the frightful thud with which she landed, Kira heroically held on to that ball with breathtakingly supine aplomb. Yeah, when I think of true glory, I see acceleration denied.
In any case, just five minutes later Paul Fine had his own chance to pull off a Kira as Donny unleashed his first attack---a low flying rocket to deep green left. Curiously, though, and for reasons I don't pretend to understand, the Finester rushed forward to meet the orb in question, and yet that deceptive little bastard darted straight past him, just inches above his desperately outstretched mitt. Three runs would score right then and there, but more importantly, Donny now smelled the raw vulnerability that always comes with rank spatial dyslexia, and thus three more times over the next six innings, he would make poor Paulie his retreat-to-the-tundra bitch.
Sure, that sounds callous and even unkindly, but like all of nature's great predators, God-like athletes can obviously not be judged by the mushy moral calculus of Rousseau's Social Contract. At a minimum, I think we can all agree on that, and therefore there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning…Raymond
PS: A Confession: Last Saturday, a swarm of hideous yellow jackets attacked local residents at Codornices, as seen in the article below . . .
http://www.berkeleyside.com/2015/05/15/city-acts-after-yellowjacket-swarm-attack-in-berkeley-park/
The fact is that I was fully aware of this incident by Saturday afternoon, but after 2.5 seconds of deep soul searching, I decided to not cancel the game, or to even inform you of the possible risks. To be sure, if these insectual fascists had returned while we frolicked, I would've been ethically responsible for the countless stings and deaths that would've inevitably resulted. Still, and after an additional 3 seconds of even deeper soul searching, I've decided to not tender my resignation as manager of this league, for the bottom line is that they didn't return, buzzy little pissant cowards that they are.
Softball: To Join the Circus
Dear People,
There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, and as of now there are still three slots left.
Please bring $4 for the field, which for this week only includes my long-awaited post-match announcement as to whether I will officially consider the possibility of forming an exploratory committee to determine whether I will seek the Republican Party nomination for President. Bless you for being so patient….Raymond 845-7552
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