5/8/01

Softball: Optics (Daydreams in the Past Conditional)

Dear People,

Congratz to all on last week’s inimitably marvelous 31-30 won-on-the-last–out paradigm of aerobic anabiosis cut tragically short. The fact is that as my own team mercilessly stretched it’s lead from 3 to 14 points in the top of the 9th, I began to experience an oozing melange of pity and contempt for Frank’s floundering contingent, their ability to focus, field, and indeed, compete at all, transformed into a final-inning implosion of breathtaking ineptitude. Thus, as I took the field for the last time that game, I could not help but think of the carnage to ego that had seared their communal spirit, and for a few seconds there, I actually wondered if they would all abandon even the pretext of dignity by suddenly striping to their tiny little panties before fleeing to the emotional succor of the forested tundra beyond deep left field.

In retrospect, of course, the capacity to give up 13 runs in the bottom of the 9th and still pull out a victory should not be seen as a mark of foolish complaisance, but rather as a compelling reminder that the nature of the universe is both frisky and inexplicable, and that in the end, you just never know. Regardless, I quickly played the magnanimous mensch and reminded the Frankmeister that shallow is the person whose self worth is defined by the petit bourgeois concepts of "winner" and "loser." Yet deep in my heart I couldn’t help but think that their last 13 runs were all for naught, and that had I known that the sting of a one-run defeat was imminent, I personally would have scampered into that forest when down by 14, my snugly fitting mauve cotton briefs reflecting the Dopleresque undulations of a shame-laden heinie.

Fortunately, this was not necessary, and therefore there will be a game at Codornices this Saturday at 5:00, IF I get enough commits
by this Friday morning…..Ray


5/11/01

Softball: Callipygian

Dear People,

There will be a game at Codornices tomorrow at 5:00, and as of now, there are still three slots left. Please bring $2 for the field, which for this week only includes a complimentary post-game dinner of Mushroom-crusted Maine diver scallops with snow peas, forbidden rice and a deep-fried breaded Snickers bar…..Raymond

PS: It has come to my attention that my last email was annoyingly garbled by non-standard intersyllabic numerals that drastically impeded the cohesive flow of my normally cogent drivel. Sadly, my colleagues at the Hebrew-American Center for Distributed Computing have concluded that this brazen act of techno-censorship was perpetrated by none other than AOL itself, who apparently acted preemptively when they realized that the missive in question contained the word "heinie." Obviously, Steve Case will be hearing from my attorneys, but in the meantime, I implore you to make a forceful gesture of solidarity, resistance and ceaseless vigilance by flooding the nation’s servers with a wide array of rump-related verbiage.

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