5/3/00
Softball: Dangers Most Foul
Dear People,
Congratz to all on last week’s utterly sublime 22-21 explosion of mesmerizing recreational theatre, replete as it was with all the rapture, high drama and heartbreak that one would expect of a game in which the final edict of athletic worth is determined by the coarse and arbitrary allocation of a single final point. Oh sure, technically my team came up short, but there is something to be said about the basic aesthetics of the aerobic quest, and indeed, pyrric is the victory that requires the level of self-debasement to which I was an unprepared and frightened witness.
In particular, I think of that glorious 8th inning play in which one of our community’s most awesome athletes did everything he possibly could to stop the blazing trajectory of a ball hit hard onto the treacherous slopes of deep left field. I believe that for a split second there, time and space stood still as the orb swished past his outstretched fingertips, but not before our gentle hero lost his footing and landed face first on the craggy soil beneath him, badly braising both knee and wrist in the tumble. Of course that was not the half of it, and while empathetic souls from both sides would have normally rushed to his aid, the reality of the world that sorry moment was that as he frantically rose to contain the damage of both game and ego, it soon became clear that a miasmic stratum of maggot-infested doggie caca had soiled all he wore from belly to sternum. Frankly, the whole spectacle left me so queasy that I was unable to focus for the rest of the game, and while I realize that this will not be an athletically correct perspective, I am now absolutely convinced that this is the reason that my team lost.
In any case, it’s been clear for a long time that the local canine-owning populace is flouting the most fundamental norms of hygienic civility, and I for one think that it’s time to take a stand. Thus I would like to reveal that after the game, and in complete cooperation with the altrical victim in question, I gingerly took possession of his freshly tainted jersey in order to begin extensive scatological DNA testing. Yes, I know that this process will take time and that the risks of fecal humiliation remain, but as word slowly gets out that we as a people are willing to track down and prosecute those who do not bag, the lush and verdant fields upon which we play our craft will undoubtedly grow ever more pristine. And because of that, and for that reason only, there will be a game at Codornices this Saturday at 5:00, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning…..Raymond
5/5/00
Softball: Value First
Dear People,
There will be a game at Codornices tomorrow at 5:00, and as of now, there are still a few slots left. The field fee will be $2, which as always, includes a complimentary stein of freshly churned sipping cud…..Raymond
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