4/21/04

Softball: The Varied Legacies of Europe

Dear People,

In a glorious display of clean asterisk-free perseverance, my team held off Jeremy’s, 24-18. True, there were lots of very close calls, and the hard reality is that I invoked the bitterly resented "Trailer’s Rule" at least five times. Yet I make no apologies, for I had to act swiftly in order to quell the incessant bickering and annoying gunfights that always accompany our disputed plays. Moreover, as much as Alan Miller insists that there is "no such thing as a tie in softball," I have personally seen the tiny little toes of a thousand runners touch down on first base at the precise attosecond that ball meets glove (give or take a sec).

Regardless, what does it even mean to say that there is no such thing as a tie? Would he also say that there is no such thing as sub-atomic particles, or non-gonococcal urethritis, or even our magnificent Codornices grazing Yak, just because they’re also difficult to "see"? For that matter, what would Niels Bohr say? Well, it was in fact ’ol smarty-pants himself who once wrote that "the occurrence of two separate events in absolute simultaneity is the most direct implication of quantum aerobics." So yeah, I think it’s quite obvious that there are ties, and if Bohr were alive today, he’d say that when those ties occur, the team with the fewest runs should get the call in their favor. Of course he’d say it in Danish, so I suppose that Alan would feign inability to understand. Typical.

In any case, I want to give all of you a heads up concerning my future duties as softball organizer. While I had originally planned to continue through the early 2040s, it turns out that just last week I was perusing the latest issue of The Economist when I happened to notice a tantalizing job ad in their Executive Focus section; Specifically— Buckingham Palace: Assistant Private Secretary to the Queen. (!!) Aside from advising Her Royal Heinie on all issues domestic and international, the new Secretary would serve as a liaison between her entire dysfunctional household and the Prime Minister’s government. In all candor, I yearn for this job.

Admittedly, it doesn’t help that I tend to view the very existence of the Monarchy as a somewhat nutso symptom of England’s inertial idiocy. Still, I am utterly convinced that if Elizabeth and I could just sit down and hash these issues out, she’d quickly come round to my way of thinking, and then hire me on the spot. Therefore, there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning….Raymond




4/22/04

Softball: The Mysteries of Chunky Demand

Dear People,

There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11:00, but alas, for those who dawdled, it is now FULL. As always, you are welcome to call me later to see if there are any cancels.

Please bring $2 for the field, which for this week only includes a delightful 7th inning hor d’oeurves of Terrine de Fois Gras, lovingly served with oatmeal-raisin Powerbar….Raymond 845-7552

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