4/19/00
Softball: The Elasticity of Reason
Dear People,
Congratz to all on last week’s 21-16 masterpiece of fervid recreational intensity, a match replete with the type of passion that I haven’t seen in our community since the halcyon days of the Summer of ’98. Indeed, the sudden zeal for ontological consistency in the application of aerobic law was reminiscent of the idealism that I had feared was lost forever, and yet there it was again, as seen in the slightly frayed nerves and frisky debate that erupted every time a ball was sent hurling into the suggestively bushy mulching tundras of deep center right field.
Ultimately, of course, this entire issue is about so much more than whether any particular hit should be declared a home run, a ground-ruled double or a hitter’s choice with option to lease (as many of the so-called moderates now insist). The fact is that whatever is decided must be done so quickly and with unequivocal determination, lest the community as a whole face a protracted period of really pointless and boring arguments. Therefore, after reviewing years of file footage as well as consulting with recreational ethicists at the Livermore Center for Righteousness in Sport, I have decided to unilaterally announce that for now on, all balls hit into the verdant shrubbery in question will remain in play, but it will be deemed irrelevant whether the ball is momentarily lost. Yes, stark is the tone with which a despot wields his dagger.
My logic is the following:
1) This problem seems to never go away, and even though we have set rules about lost balls, they are so inherently ambiguous that we always end up arguing over how they should be enforced in any given case. The new law is extremely simple, and as clean and pure as a baby sparrow’s tongue.
2) One can at least make a good faith case that once a ball has gotten that far out, it should be seen as a home run anyway.
3) This will more highly motivate fielders to keep balls from rolling into the bushes, and more highly motivate runners to take nothing for granted. Softball is ultimately about gnawing and ceaseless fear, and this will delightfully serve to increase it.
4) Given that we’re an athletic democracy, I actually have no right to unilaterally declare anything. And yet in doing this, I feel more vital and manly than I ever have before.
In any case, this April 23rd is Easter Sunday, the glorious Christian holiday in which trillions around the world celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. Although I am personally an Atheistic Jewish Buddhist Agnostic freak, I think it’s important to pause and reflect a bit on the meaning of this remarkable accomplishment within the context of the greater softball community. First of all, I’m not going to argue that recent biblical scholarship now shows that the two guards who were supposed to be watching over Jesus’ tomb in Jerusalem were actually five miles away in Jericho, playing a grueling game of Desertball (the beloved and ancient Mediterranean sport which eventually evolved into the Medieval English sport of Rounders, precursor to the modern softball that we all know and cherish). No, I’m not going to argue that, though I am personally convinced of it with every fiber of my being.
The point is that in thinking of the inner peace that we all get from playing this wonderful pastime, it suddenly occurred to me that such spiritual sustenance has its roots in the Middle East itself, and that in certain ways, all peoples from the Apostles to Metallica have benefited from the subtle and multilayered interplay of faith, Messianic surprise and aerobic distraction. And therefore, there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 5PM, if I get enough commits by this Friday morning…..Raymond
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