4/2/08
Softball: The Perils of Athletic Life in a Post-Einsteinian Age
Dear People,
Jeff’s team pulverized my own 29-17, in one of those ghastly blowouts that is so utterly demoralizing that I actually feared my entire contingent would pull an aerobic Jonestown. Indeed, almost all of my best players fell early, hard and deep into the dark, crushing abyss of their own athletic suck zones, and thus in the 7th inning, with my side down 28-9, Jeff apparently permitted a dignity-saving pity-rally in order to stave off the threat of a national incident. As captain, I myself was tempted to flee naked into the wooded tundra beyond left field, but since I was fluish, tipsy and inadvertently stoned on a morning shot of Vick’s Nyquil PM, the local yak were spared.
In any case, and if all that wasn’t distressing enough, I’ve just learned that a lawsuit has been filed in Federal District Court in Honolulu, seeking a temporary restraining order that prohibits the European Center for Nuclear Research, or CERN, from starting up its giant $8 billion particle accelerator in Geneva this summer. Named the Hadron Collider (after the beloved depression-era Red Sox catcher, Joey “Bug Nose” Hadron), this marvel of modern technology is due to begin smashing protons together as early as this July, in order to recreate the energy and conditions of the cosmos that were last in existence just a trillionth of a second after the Big Bang.
Sure, that sounds sexy, but according to the suit filed by Walter L Wagner (who, incidentally, studied physics and cosmic rays at UC Berkeley, but for the record, is no relation to the legendary Pirate shortstop Honus Wagner) CERN is dramatically playing down the real possibility that this accelerator could produce an infinitesimally tiny post-collidal black hole which could quickly expand to “eat the earth, and possibly the entire universe itself.” Now look, you all know that when it comes to politics and law, I like to stay well above the fray, but this potential outcome is starting to get me totally teed-off and frosted.
The fact is that if this tiny piss-ant fascist-black-hole-thing really did expand to eat the earth and everything else in existence, we as a softball-playing people would be fucked for years, if not decades to come. Now admittedly, my own readings on quantum physics, dark matter and string theory convince me that the odds of such a calamity actually happening are no greater than 1 in 3. Still, because I am technically an attorney, and because my love for this community knows no bounds, I will soon be filing a brief of Amicus Curiae with the Court, respectfully requesting that Mr. Wagner’s request for an immediate injunction be honored with a series of low-key parades in both Oahu and Kauai.
The point is that I’ve got your cosmological back, and therefore there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning….Ray
4/4/08
Softball: Sapid
Dear People,
There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11AM, and as of now there are still two slots left.
This week’s field fee is just $3, and that includes a delightful post-game duck leg braised in the wood oven with squab liver crostini, escarole,
and pungent herb salsa….Ray 845-7552
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