3/27/13

Softball: The Court (Varied Considerations Through the Ages)

Dear People,

My team ruthlessly snuffed out an inchoate final-inning rally by Jim McGuire's, and in so doing, we triumphed like the proverbial pink-toe tarantula who's just injected its sinister venom into a perfectly innocent rutting toad, 15-13. In retrospect, it was a taut and glorious affair that could've gone either way, but our side had a hidden weapon in Arthur, who at 70 years young, returned from his cherished Utrecht chalet for the first time since 2009!

Truth be told, I was worried that as he entered his eighth and most riveting decade, the years away from softball would've diminished his former Dutch dominance. In fact, though, he had two runs and two RBIs on a staggering four for five, and indeed, he even out-smashed Dave Ross, who, at 16 months younger, is also in the flowering bosom of his grand athletic renaissance (his GAR, if you will). Yet in the end, I think we all know that Jim's team did not fall short because Arthur hit better than Dave or Jim or any of those other losers, but rather because, unlike them, he can say 'meervoudigepersoonlijkheidsstoornis' without looking like a bozo.

Now look, you may scoff at this linguistic incompetency as being a dubious theory of rarefied irrelevance, but it just so happens that I was about to organize a game for this upcoming weekend when it suddenly hit me that this Sunday marks the 1,982nd anniversary of the resurrection of the great Jesus Christ, give or take a decade and an admittedly robust leap of faith. I mention this because just a few hours ago, while savoring a succulent shank bone of the bitter Christ-denying lamb, I suddenly remembered that our entire understanding of Easter is steeped in the dubious etymological skill sets of those scholars across the centuries who chose to translate the good book from one fine tongue to the next. Well, I happen to think they got it wrong, and while I'm obviously not going to quote myself verbatim, here's what I wrote ya'all just five short years ago, when Arthur himself was in the burgeoning youth of his pre-retirement GAR…

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I for one am not about to schedule a game that would conflict with _the more spiritual foci of our people of faith. Nevertheless, I just happened to be reading through the Gospel according to Matthew when it suddenly struck me that the Mattmesiter's most compelling contribution was probably his stirring depiction of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount.__

In all candor, I am not an expert in the ancient Hebraic tongues of _the Eastern Mediterranean, and yet my own etymological analysis _strongly suggests that the Aramaic slang word “mooundt” (meaning_ literally, “awesome anthill”) was somehow translated into ancient_ Hebrew as their word for “mount,” (meaning “nice mountain”),_ when in reality, the location where Jesus offered his beatitudes was_ on the “mound” (with a 'd')

No, I cannot prove this beyond a doubt, and I certainly do not mean to _cast aspersions on the fine folks who toiled at the Department of_ Translation in King James' Court. Yet I am suggesting that recent_ archeological breakthroughs now clearly imply that the ancient_ Israelites played a club-swinging ball game that was shockingly_ similar to our modern game of baseball, and more to the point, when_ Jesus rose to address the multitudes on that fateful ancient day, he_ did so from the pitcher's mound at the original Jerusalem_ Stadium and Rugby Club.__

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The point is that if the inscrutable JC were to pull off another mind-blowing renaissance today, I suspect he would attentively listen to those who implored him to shun our cherished modern-day pastime, lest he gravely harm the procreatively sacred solemnity of his own Samarian stickball. I'd also like to think that after taking in this somewhat strained expansion of hallucinatory reasoning, he'd recognize it for the total krankzinnighid that it indisputably is. And therefore there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning….Raymond


PS: Exploring the Limits of Constitutional Originalism before They Decide on Prop 8 (And my Vote for the Most Philosophically Asinine Sentence in the 224 Year History of U.S. Supreme Court Jurisprudence):

Lawrence v. Texas (2003), overruling Bowers v Hardwick (1986) and in so doing, declaring all criminal sodomy laws as unconstitutional:

Scalia, Antonin, fearing the consequences, in vitriolic dissent….

State laws against bigamy, same-sex marriage, adult incest, prostitution, masturbation, adultery, fornication, bestiality, and obscenity are likewise sustainable only in light of Bowers' validation of laws based on moral choices.

3/29/13

Softball: Samplings in Irrefutable Logic

Dear People,

There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, and as of now there are two slots left.

Please note: Although there are media reports of possible rain coming over the weekend, my sources at the climate desk at the Estonian Consulate in Livermore assure me this is a bunch of theoretical crap. However, if it gets moist between now and then or conditions are ambiguous that morning, you'll need to check email around 10.

Please bring $4 for the field, which for this week only includes my personal pledge to you that we as a community will not redefine softball as a genderless sport, lest we sever its abiding connection to its historic and traditional procreative purposes…Raymond 845-7552


4/1/13

Softball: Sunday 9:45 AM: Yes!

Just got back from Codornices, which is puddlesss and splendid.

See ya at 11…Raymond

PS: One slot now left.

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