2/27/02

Softball: Numbers so Stark (The Cruel Revelations of Software)

Dear People,

Congratz to all on last week’s exceedingly congested yet still jovial 20-16 24-player paragon of not-to-be-repeated organizational flexibility. For the record, an impecunious miscommunication blended with my own infracaniophilic compassion in order to run roughshod over the much despised but indispensable 22+ rule, and for that, I once again stand naked and splayed before you, stoically prepared for your wrathful communal discipline. In all candor, I get pert just thinking of the whuppin to come.

Regardless, what I now find puzzling is how I was able to captain a team with FIVE outfielders that still managed to give up 20 runs in just nine innings. Indeed, after it was all over, I gently pulled Mikey aside and asked him how many warm bodies it would take before our own league managed to play out games with those more manly and professional single digit scores, like 6-5 and 3-2 (the latter being a personal favorite from my Liechtenstenian youth).

Amazingly, and despite the fact that he had just led his own contingent to a decisive victory, Mikey’s eyes quickly welled up with analytical tearing droplets. "I’ve done the numbers" he whispered, and then he muttered under his breath, "It’s a debasement of the people like I never done saw before." My innards quivered uncontrollably, and then I left, utterly shaken by his words. For I knew. Yes, I knew.

Sure enough, it’s quite easy to input the fielding stats of all our players into my trusty Atari Kinesiologic Database. Alas, though, it turns out that the mean derivation of our individual records of errorage are so rarefied that even if we fielded an "optimal" 31 players per team (with individual fielders methodically spaced 5 yards apart), the average number of runs per game would never fall below 15. And that’s using the most conservative algorithms, AND that’s not even including Jen in the overall calculations!

Needless to say, the increased risks of soil fatigue, petty thievery and sundry venereal afflictions would clearly outweigh the slight movement toward more respectable scoring, and therefore, and for the record:

1) The moratorium on adding new players to this list remains in effect until further notice. If you ask for an exception (as three people did last week), you’ll be sent this letter.

2) The 22+ rule also remains extant. If you commit too late and then ask for an exception (as three people did last week), Jen will be sent this letter.

I realize this is all very stressful and that your view of me as a necessary-evil-aerobic-MonsterThing-at-best is now forever engraved in your tiny opinionated little cerebelli. Fair enough. Yet I would like to think that you people also realize that without law, there is only chaos---vile, tempestuous and utterly unhelpful. And therefore, there will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, IF I get enough commits by this Friday morning….Raymond

PS: My best guess is that for most weeks, 22 or fewer people will want to play (precisely because I’m so strict about the moratorium). So please continue to commit only when you’re nearly certain that you will actually be able to show up, and of course, if you ever have to cancel, try to let me know ASAP.

Also note that if you are ever shut out, I will usually let you commit for the following week before the next letter goes out. Yes, deep in the recesses of my ventricular aortal valvage, there is softness and innocence among the excess low density lipids.


3/1/02

Softball: Timing

Dear People,

There will be a game at Codornices this Sunday at 11, but alas, as of now, there are no longer any slots left. As always, feel free to call for news of any late cancels.

Please bring $2 for the field, and also note that it is reserved by others as of 1PM, which means that all players should arrive at Codornices NO LATER THAN 10:58AM. That’s arguably just like 11:17AM, but only if you could prove that you had been ensnared within an Einsteinian time-space warp that slowed the temporal progression of your corporal aging load by 19 minutes between now and then. Otherwise, I would expect to see you at 10:58AM, punctilious guy that I am….Raymond 845-7552

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